The End Of The World As I Know It

I haven’t written in a while. If you follow my blog you will understand why. I lost my son and my daughter in one years time, Fentanyl and Morphine were the cause for my son. I’m still waiting for my daughter’s results.

Every minute of every day is a different emotion but the anxiety never goes away. Well, when I’m with my grandchildren, I’m happy, thinking only of them when we’re together. And my youngest daughter and her husband, of course.

My kids weren’t in a bad place when they died, I mean on the outside but inside they were tortured. Sixteen years of addiction for my son, my daughter about eleven. That’s a lot of shit, bad shit, bad people, bad actions, bad feelings. Both of them always talked a good talk because that’s really what they wanted. To live a normal life, have a career, just be happy. But they couldn’t. For some reason they just couldn’t do it.

The saddest part is that I know they suffered so much for all those years. Everyday, for all that time.

My daughter had confidence in jail. Everyone knew her, everyone loved her. She brightened the C.O.’s day, as per the Officer who called me to express his shock and sadness. She braided hair, learned how to weave hair, thread eyebrows, make makeup from colored pencils. She was in charge of her dorm, has worked in the offices, kitchen etc. But after 8 years in and out of prison (mostly in), she became institutionalized. She was still 20 when she came out, not mentally 27. She wanted to live, the right way but she couldn’t even give herself a chance. She had it all and I watched her life deteriorating all this time. It was heartbreaking.

When she got out this time, the P.O. drug tested her and she was positive for cocaine. We literally went from jail to parole. How did she use? The parole officer brought her out to me and had Jenna tell me “mom, I did coke in jail. ” A load had come in the day before she left, who knows if that’s true, drugs are always available in jail. Not so much in County jail, where she was this time but most definitely in Prison. I guess the P.O. was being “nice” but she let my daughter go. I wish she had brought her right back. She died four days later at home in her bed. I can’t believe I’m writing this, it’s true.

My two babies are gone forever.

I know they are happy and at peace, I tell myself about a thousand times a day but the reality that they are dead, I can’t deal with that. I know this is going to be a long road but I will travel it carefully so I can be there for those who need me. This pain is indescribable. Rest easy my babies. I love you both forever. ❤️🙏❤️

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Lost shock pain ache heartbreaking head hurts can’t think broken paralyzed suffocating tired weak

This is what it feels like to lose my two children in a year. Mostly because I don’t understand why they had to suffer so horribly for almost half their lives, just to die from addiction after all. They are happy now, at peace with no form of evil in their presence. For that I’m happy but when you lose a child you realize that they are on your mind virtually always when they’re here. You may not think so but the emptiness and sadness your being becomes, can only be from a hole so big you realize it’s literally a part of you that’s gone

Cooks County

Thank you Joseph Ryan for sharing this soul bearing interview. ❤️🙏🏻❤️

This man nearly died in a courthouse bathroom — his 14th overdose.

Why is this addiction so powerful? What can loved ones do to help?

This man gives some answers in this Public Awareness podcast from the Cook County Sheriff’s Office. Share this post to help spread understanding of a crisis that is killing tens of thousands every year.

For more information on the crisis and how to seek help visit http://www.cookcountysheriff.org/the-opioid-crisis/

#recoveryispossible #sobriety #opioidcrisis #addiction #heroininterview

Addiction. Deciding to overcome addiction and live a healthy, sober life takes some work.  Still to this day, I will always advocate for 12 step programs.  I was talking to someone the other day, someone who was an active alcoholic for 45 years.  They had finally accepted the “Rooms” and are now an active participant in the sober life.  To hear them say the other day that sobriety isn’t just not drinking or drugging, it is a lifestyle change, was so heartwarming to me.  For years many people I know shunned the idea of the “Rooms” thinking it was a bunch of lowlifes under some kind of spell or something but once they really embrace the program, they become different people.  Kinder, more empathetic, more optimistic and sober!  They find that the people at these meetings are professionals, educators, students, moms, dads, sisters, brothers and friends.  The stories people share never cease to “Wow” the listeners, humbling stories of love and loss, trials and tribulations and support.  They range from teens to 80 plus years, all on the same road, recovery.  You can’t fake it though, you may try in the beginning but expect to be called out.  Not publicly of course but even I can tell if someone is just going because they’re doing their 90/90 or they really want a different life.

I’m writing now to the young generation.  Save yourself years of torment and loss.  Go to meetings, try a meeting a day for two weeks.  Please share your experiences with us.

My youngest daughter is celebrating two years this month!

It seems like a lifetime ago that she was using. She has transformed into a responsible, sober, mother, fiance, daughter and friend.  But, she made the choice two years ago, on her own to change her path.  She did it, brain injury and all, on her own incurring support of friends in the program.  I couldn’t be more proud of her.  I just pray that her sister follows her path when she is released from jail.

I sent my daughter some workbooks in jail so she can work on herself and her demons.  She’s called me numerous times crying, after a meeting or a session with her counselor or even after working the book.  It is pushing her to confront demons that addicts tend to mask with drugs.  She always shrugged off  bad experiences like they didn’t affect her but once she was willing to open up and feel sober feelings, I started to see changes.  It isn’t easy to go back to bad places and experiences but you cannot move past if you don’t acknowledge and work through your pain.  I’m not pushing the program on anyone but just sharing my experiences.  I have met the nicest people there, humbled people (I don’t have tolerance or room in my life for people who aren’t humbled.)  The rooms are filled with love, if you find otherwise, move on to a different meeting group.  You will find your niche and you will find courage, wisdom, happiness and hope.

Please feel free to share your experiences with recovery and your choice of recovery methods.  Praying for us all.

On Point!😢❤️🙏❤️

Kristan posted this on Loving Heroin Addicts Page but I wanted to share it to as many people as possible. Thank you Kristen Langshaw for articulating the life you speak of so truthfully. The life we all know. Always praying ❤️🙏❤️

sometimes being the parent of a child struggling with addiction is like mourning the loss of a child who is still alive but there is no closure. it’s like being helpless… its feeling your heart drop every time your phone rings after 10pm…. it’s sleepless nights laying wondering what you did or didn’t do to cause your child to become an addict… it’s nights of questioning your faith and asking why God would allow this to happen to YOUR child.. it’s feeling angry and defensive when you hear or read comments that you know are about your child… its being a punching bag at times when your child needs to redirect their anger and blame someone… its memories of your child being born and you holding them in your arms for the first time and thinking of the great potential they posses and thinking of all the possibilities of what they will become and praying they will overcome their struggle and get there…. it’s missing when they were little and would come to you for comfort when they were hurt or sad… it’s missing their giggles and cuddles and innocence….its the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring…. its holidays that arent as happy…it’s the sadness of knowing that some people will never get to see who your child really was and is… it’s the guilt you feel when someone overdoses and your first thought is thank God it wasn’t my child and the reality of knowing it could of been… it’s being robbed of memories you never got the chance to make… it’s ultimately the fear that they could leave this world and you know that nothing will EVER be the same again and the world would never be as shiny as it once was without your child in it… its begging pleading and bartering with God to please make them better….. its longing to just hold them in your arms and tell them how much you love them and miss them… Most of all its seeing what will eventually happen and not being able to stop it… I’m mourning my child who is alive every single day……

Don’t Try Drugs

My son told me the first time he tried Heroin, he knew he was addicted!!!

It’s a lifetime decision… remember that

The Sky

I was looking at the sky tonight.  It was just beautiful, dark blue filled with bright white stars.  It was truly magnificent.  I think of Danny when I look at the sky, I see him with my Mother, his beloved Grandma, both exempt of disease, pain, sadness, confusion and desperation.  I see them so very happy and in the clouds of Heaven.  Then when I really looked to the sky and noticed the clouds, I realized they weren’t white and fluffy, they were night-time clouds, thin and horizontal, not like I picture the clouds in heaven. The clouds looked close, not far enough to be Heaven.  And I saw the enormity of the Universe, it’s never-ending.  How could Heaven be in the middle of the Universe, it would be too busy, what with asteroids and all, right? Heaven should be isolated and surrounded by beautiful blue skies, the color I painted my sons room when he was a child, and sunlight and those fluffy clouds I wrote of earlier.

Heaven should be isolated and surrounded by beautiful blue skies

Now I realized, that Heaven couldn’t be as I’d imagined all these years.  I have to think about this.  Is the after-life just our souls which I always imagined were visible to other souls, or  are we just feelings of peace, love and happiness shared by others for our eternity.  I always pictured the after-life as I had seen in Italy with the beautiful fresco paintings and Sistine Chapel with everyone floating in soft, white cotton frocks and translucent angel wings.  That looks like a nice place to be but I don’t imagine it’s at all like that.  Do we see each other when we are gone?  Or are we energy and familiarity?  Is anything tangible?

I started writing tonight because I don’t speak out loud to Danny now.  I can’t, it would make it real.  But under this dark blue sky brightened by millions of white stars, I tried.  I don’t even remember what I started with but I remember telling him I knew he was with Grandma so I knew he was happy and I asked him to stay with her.  Then I told my Mom that I know it was meant to be that she and Danny needed to be together, that they were both free (from Alzheimer’s and Addiction) and happy again.  By then I was losing it so I took some deep breaths and put it all out of my head until I composed myself and came back inside.  It was then that I decided I wanted to hear how other people think life after death is or if they even believe there is life after death?

…..for my Mom (my confidant, the wind beneath my wings) and my boy, Dannyboy (my son, my friend, my heart)

Inspiration

So, this week two friends from this community wrote to tell of their recovery.  They got so many responses of congratulations and prayers.  I’ve found people who love addicts to be so supportive and empathetic, again the same as a lot of our addicts. I love when people share their recovery and recovery stories, it’s a testimonial that PEOPLE do live a full, happy, peaceful life in recovery.

I have a friend who reached out for help a few months ago and was doing great after rehab.  I’ve known this person for a long time and when he relapsed and started making excuses, I had to tell him he is on his own.  I suggested anti-depressants, I’m on them, in fact just got them adjusted due to trying to deal with the grief from my sons death and my daughter being incarcerated.  He went on to say that AA etc., does not want anyone on medication.  I know that is untrue.  I do know some programs do not encourage Methadone, Suboxone, Vivitrol etc but I also know there is not a program in the world that would suggest people stop their anti-depressants or worse yet, never start. Addicts are regular people who are physically and physiologically addicted to their drug of choice.  Yes, using drugs will give you anxiety and depression but if you suffer from this when you are sober or before you started using, then you may need more help than just meetings and therapy.  There is no shame in that.

I truly believe if my son was on the right medication, he’d still be alive and thriving. Who knows? I’m done speculating, it was his time. But for others, please consider non-narcotic anti-depressants.

1996-2013 -In those 20 years, the number of adults with benzodiazepine prescriptions grew by more than two thirds, from 8.1 million to 13.5 million, the researchers found. In 1996, around 4 percent of people surveyed had filled a benzodiazepine prescription, and by 2013, this had risen to 5.6 percent. (Reuters.com)

Google states that antidepressant use among Americans is skyrocketing. Adults in the U.S. consumed four times more antidepressants in the late 2000’s than they did in the early 1990s. As the third most frequently taken medication in the U.S., researchers estimate that 8 to 10 percent of the population is taking an antidepressant.

They treat anxiety and depression, basically proving we do not need Xanax, Valium etc. period.  You cannot get high from anti-depressants.  … Antidepressants work by balancing chemicals in your brain called neurotransmitters that affect mood and emotions. These depression medicines can help improve your mood, help you sleep better, and increase your appetite and concentration. (Google)  🙂 Yes, they take a few weeks to work which is why a lot of addicts will not try them and probably why a lot of people take the benzo/opioid route but think about it, in the long run, what do you think is the best choice?

I’ve attached this paper, although 49 pages long, some extremely important information can be found in the first few pages. Prepared by the Vice Chairman’s Staff of the Joint Economic Committee at the request of Senator Mike Lee .November 2017                                the-numbers-behind-the-opioid-crisis-final pdf

Praying for everyone ❤️🙏❤️

No oath?

This article says it all! He took an oath to heal and ended up a dealer and murderer! Greed! God bless those who died at your hands❤️🙏❤️

Keep Coming Back

Mother’s Day was last week. Again, another holiday with the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I spoke to my daughter in jail and spent the day with my youngest daughter and her fiancee, my granddaughter, my Dad and my sister with her family. My youngest daughter is pregnant with my second granddaughter. What could be better than that? What could be better is having my son come in for the day as he did every holiday. Grieving is definitely a roller coaster. There are days when I am fine, I have hope for the future and then there are days when I feel like I am the walking dead.

But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.

I am going to write this with the knowledge that I will receive some evil messages from my stalker/harasser. I use this page to help myself and others but it is hard to put down my honest feelings knowing she is out there just waiting to pounce on me. It’s been over two years now, the harassing and stalking. What I’ve gone through and my extended family is nothing compared to what my son suffered for years at the hands of this person. Still, although she does not turn up on my property or have people follow and photograph me like my son dealt with, she is still a black hole in my life. But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.
With that being said, I will continue my journey. This week I received two private messages from friends on this page. One is in a relationship with an addict and just needed to vent. The other person had witnessed a friends death by overdose and just can’t get that picture out of her mind. These are both scenarios that are constant in the lives of addicts and those who love them. Being in a relationship with an addict, as I’ve said before, is one of the hardest relationships you will ever have. As hard as it is, separating yourself from the relationship is your only survival. It sounds horrible but I don’t mean just walking away. I mean, separating yourself from the constant craziness that comes with the addiction. We only allow what WE allow in our lives. You have NO CONTROL over your addict. I cannot stress this enough!!! They are not using to GET BACK AT YOU or hurt YOU! In fact, if you are not enabling and handing them the money for drugs, then you are not culpable for their actions. Look hard at your relationship. Are you answering the phone every time they call? Are you running to help them out of situations they have no business being in? Are you listening to their excuses to NOT get help? Are you expecting them to perform like someone who is sober? Looking for them, waiting for them, worrying about them and everything in your house? I remember this life and looking back, I don’t know if I could live through it again. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and even more about the dynamics of addicts and those who love them. The people that are brought into your life because of them, the codependent relationships with people who are beyond talking to, this does not have to be a part of your life. Take back your life. Life is not always fair and sometimes even taking yourself out of the codependency equation, may not always be the immediate relief you need but it is a start.

If you don’t step back and take your life back, you will wither.

Go to support groups, get a book about codependent relationships and high light what stands out to you and remind yourself every day that no matter what you do, YOU come first and YOU have NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ADDICT.
I’m talking to myself when I say I need to find outlets. Something other than death and addiction. When I find that I don’t even want to be around people because I have nothing other than sadness to share, that’s when I realized I need help. I isolate when I am sad, maybe you do something else. Learn to recognize those episodes and push yourself to enhance YOUR life. It’s a constant struggle for me especially because it’s only 8 months since I lost my baby but I will not give up on myself and this struggle. You shouldn’t either, you don’t have to be where you are. You are the choreographer of this life dance. Make it a happy dance!