My heart hurts, at least that’s what I think it is. It could be anger I’m feeling, or sadness… There’s no word, no one word that I could use to describe how I’m feeling.
Yesterday I got the dreaded phone call from the person I accompanied to Florida the other day. I will call him “T”. “T” wasn’t there three days and the denial set in. ‘this is not where he should be. These people are crazy. My therapist told me I don’t need to be here. Blah, Blah, Blah.’ Honestly, I lost my temper. I’ve heard this same bull***t for seventeen years already. I am sick of talking till I’m blue in the face, doing the same things over and over again for people who do the same things over and over again. I know better, its insanity, doing the same things and expecting different results. I know that addicts will not get better until they are ready. I know that all too well. The same is for alcoholics or anyone suffering any kind of addiction. “T” hung up on me after I told him no therapist would ever tell someone in his condition that he didn’t need to be there. He told me ‘I was showing my true colors’. If I hadn’t been cursed at and belittled many times before from substance abusers, it might have hurt me. But it didn’t. He is still sick from detoxing, I just pray he gets back into the right frame of mind that he was in last week when he begged for help.
My daughter called an hour later from jail. “Mom, could you please put thirty dollars in my commissary account and set up the phone account? Also, could you also send me clothes? You can buy them already pre-packed from a store that supplies the jails and prisons.” AGH!!! I hung up after speaking to her and thought about my life. I had an epiphany, I am taking back my life. When I spoke to my daughter this morning, I told her how I feel. How she is going to be 28 years old this year. She is a grown woman. Granted she is stunted from years of incarceration without rehabilitation but… I am going to be 57 years old in July. I have no life except my beautiful, sober daughter and her little family who are my true joy. I have been blessed with loyal and supportive friends and family, true. But I haven’t done anything to mark my time here on earth. I don’t laugh like I used to, I don’t enjoy life like I used to, I’ve become a little anti-social. I have no career, no true passions but the epiphany I had last night was big. I am going to succeed in my goals for happiness and peace. I will let go of grown folks problems and focus on my issues and desires. Everyone else focuses on theirs right?
It has been six months since I lost my boy. My baby, part of me died as well. I want to have time to grieve and accept his death. I need to learn to live without him but also celebrate his life when we speak of him. Smile, not cry when I think of him. Missing him every second of every minute of every hour of every day is something I will just have to learn to live with. His 30th birthday is in April. At times in the past I remember saying, ‘He probably won’t make it to thirty”. As much as losing him hurts me and all that love him, I do know that HE is in a better place. He would have suffered a lifetime. I truly believe that especially because a Dr. was finding no problems with prescribing Suboxone and Clonazepam to an addict. Should I tell the Dr. that my son died the day he picked up his prescription? Should I tell the Dr. that Clonazepam should not be prescribed to an addict who was addicted to benzo’s as well? Would it make a difference? Probably not.
I am dedicating my life to me for a while and I will never forget that I count! Just because I am a mother does not give my adult daughter the right to act like a child. Time to take control. Time for all of us to take control.
How have you taken your life back? I would love to hear from you. Again, thanks for being here. I’m not alone. You’re not alone.