My heart hurts, at least that’s what I think it is. It could be anger I’m feeling, or sadness… There’s no word, no one word that I could use to describe how I’m feeling.

Yesterday I got the dreaded phone call from the person I accompanied to Florida the other day. I will call him “T”. “T” wasn’t there three days and the denial set in. ‘this is not where he should be. These people are crazy. My therapist told me I don’t need to be here. Blah, Blah, Blah.’ Honestly, I lost my temper. I’ve heard this same bull***t for seventeen years already. I am sick of talking till I’m blue in the face, doing the same things over and over again for people who do the same things over and over again. I know better, its insanity, doing the same things and expecting different results. I know that addicts will not get better until they are ready. I know that all too well. The same is for alcoholics or anyone suffering any kind of addiction. “T” hung up on me after I told him no therapist would ever tell someone in his condition that he didn’t need to be there. He told me ‘I was showing my true colors’. If I hadn’t been cursed at and belittled many times before from substance abusers, it might have hurt me. But it didn’t. He is still sick from detoxing, I just pray he gets back into the right frame of mind that he was in last week when he begged for help.

My daughter called an hour later from jail. “Mom, could you please put thirty dollars in my commissary account and set up the phone account? Also, could you also send me clothes? You can buy them already pre-packed from a store that supplies the jails and prisons.” AGH!!! I hung up after speaking to her and thought about my life. I had an epiphany, I am taking back my life. When I spoke to my daughter this morning, I told her how I feel. How she is going to be 28 years old this year. She is a grown woman. Granted she is stunted from years of incarceration without rehabilitation but… I am going to be 57 years old in July. I have no life except my beautiful, sober daughter and her little family who are my true joy. I have been blessed with loyal and supportive friends and family, true. But I haven’t done anything to mark my time here on earth. I don’t laugh like I used to, I don’t enjoy life like I used to, I’ve become a little anti-social. I have no career, no true passions but the epiphany I had last night was big. I am going to succeed in my goals for happiness and peace. I will let go of grown folks problems and focus on my issues and desires. Everyone else focuses on theirs right?

It has been six months since I lost my boy. My baby, part of me died as well. I want to have time to grieve and accept his death. I need to learn to live without him but also celebrate his life when we speak of him. Smile, not cry when I think of him. Missing him every second of every minute of every hour of every day is something I will just have to learn to live with. His 30th birthday is in April. At times in the past I remember saying, ‘He probably won’t make it to thirty”. As much as losing him hurts me and all that love him, I do know that HE is in a better place. He would have suffered a lifetime. I truly believe that especially because a Dr. was finding no problems with prescribing Suboxone and Clonazepam to an addict. Should I tell the Dr. that my son died the day he picked up his prescription? Should I tell the Dr. that Clonazepam should not be prescribed to an addict who was addicted to benzo’s as well? Would it make a difference? Probably not.

I am dedicating my life to me for a while and I will never forget that I count! Just because I am a mother does not give my adult daughter the right to act like a child. Time to take control. Time for all of us to take control.

How have you taken your life back? I would love to hear from you. Again, thanks for being here. I’m not alone. You’re not alone.

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9 thoughts on “SMH

  1. Stick to your guns! From the looks of it, you’ve spent so much of your life trying to help your children and your friends. I can understand why, a good parents does not want their children to hurt, but at the same time you’ve been neglecting yourself for so long, with nothing changing you need to make that stand and focus on you.

    I wasn’t lucky enough to have family members who would bend over backwards from me when I was using, I did however have a close family friend that would drive hours to give me money if I asked.
    I wasn’t clean at the time but in a moment of clarity I sat my Aunt down and told her not to give me money any more. She did just that. Even when I begged, she refused.

    I was stressing this poor woman out and she was not even my biological family. I can only imagine what an addict does to their blood family while using.
    [I kinda saw it when I met my mother in my early 20s. She turned out to be an alcoholic trying to fix her own life demons. It hurt me that she could not see past the alcohol but as we all know – “an addict has to truly want to quit, you cannot force them. So, I stopped all contact with that newly found side of the family after my second visit.
    She did finally quit, and my little sister saw the real person again before she died. Unfortunately I did not get to see my clean mother, or tell her I loved her and forgave her. That’s going to eat at me for a long time. But I had to focus on me at the time. I did not need another addict in my life. ]

    My Aunt was instrumental in my years trying to get clean. These days, after 13 odd years clean I still tell my Aunt how guilty I am. How sorry I am for “using* her those few times I could not score by myself, or to buy groceries when I had not eaten for weeks only to sell them off again for drugs, or lose them because I was too stoned to know what was going on. She has forgiven me, we are still as close as we were when I was using. These days however I see her because I consider her my family, not because she can give me something.

    I truly hope that your friend and daughter in jail can see the error of their ways. They they can see just enough light in their darkness to start making true, honest steps toward becoming clean. I have my fingers crossed.

    As for your son, I am truly sorry he is no longer here. Wherever he is now, he is free of whatever pained him. And I am sure that he is watching over you, giving you his strength when you feel to weak to go on.

    I’ve had a number of people die on me due to drugs over the years, while I might just have been acquaintances with a number of them, it always hurt to learn they were no longer here.

    ~sighs heavily thinking~ I think the problem with active addicts is that we cannot see past our need of the drugs to see what our drug use might have on those around us. While your friend, and daughter, might *hate* you for the short term, when they do become clean they will thank you for saying “No” to them.

    Time to focus on you! Good luck. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness again.


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