Inspiration for Addicts and Those Who Love Them

Anxiety=Anticipatory Grief

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

It is physically painful, intense, overwhelming, confusing, and even frightening-frightening because it’s so dark, so unknown, and so powerful a force

I’m reading a book that I borrowed from a book share at my support group. The group is for parents who lost children to addiction. It’s called ”When the Bough Breaks” by Judith R Bernstein Ph.D. She’s describing anticipatory grief, which she describes as ”what happens when we’re hit with the possibility of losing someone we love.”

This is the description of the feelings of everyone loving an addict who is actively using or not living a true life of recovery. And it’s daily, this overwhelming fear. We live in a life filled with anticipating the worst.


Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints, and rumination.[1] It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events, such as the feeling of imminent death.[2] Anxiety is not the same as fear, which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat,[3] whereas anxiety is the expectation of future threat.[3] Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.[4] It is often accompanied by muscular tension,[3] restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.[

Sound familiar? These feelings?

Addiction is never safe, be it substance, gambling, sex etc. There is always danger lurking in the back of our minds. It changes us which is why most of us can’t shut up when we’re talking to someone living the same life. We can talk to a hundred people who also love an addict and at the end of the conversation we basically have the exact stories with differences in names, locations and other specifics, but the feelings, they are all the same. Anxiety- fear of the unknown. It can paralyze us, socially, emotionally, physically unless we realize that we are powerless over anyone. Giving up that innate desire to save our loved one is probably the most difficult emotion for us to take action on but it also the most important to our self-preservation.

I was talking with some people today about addiction. A mutual friend was hospitalized after relapsing, in ICU still five days later. Nowadays, especially, using heroin is literally like playing Russian Roulette. Who in their right mind would put a gun to their head knowing there’s a chance it’s loaded? No one would, in their right mind. That’s why addiction is a brain disease. Physiologically, mentally, and physically it’s a need so strong that people will literally do it knowing they could die immediately. This person didn’t agree, he was saying he would never want to hurt his mother and risk every thing. ADDICTS do not want to hurt anyone. Not themselves, their enablers, friends and partners. You can’t take your addicts behavior personally. It’s not personal. Addicts are so self absorbed with their desperate need, we may be a fleeting thought but their desire clouds their thinking. All they want is the drug. How desperate must a person be to risk every thing, especially their life, without the control to stop themselves? What are your feelings on addiction? Do you believe it’s a choice?

Autopsy Report

I want to thank everyone for all your support during this most difficult time. I didn’t realize how hard Danny’s birthday would be but it was extremely difficult. I guess the fact that I received the autopsy report the same day exasperated all my emotions. I had requested it after reading that a lot of parents had also and it helped some. It was really difficult to read because they literally weigh organs and you get the full description of your loved one’s body upon death. The report raised more questions actually as his numbers weren’t high enough for an overdose, he had no visible track marks and no pills or alcohol in his body. I’m asking anyone out there if they had an autopsy done on someone who overdosed but the autopsy wasn’t done for three days after death? Does the time after death affect the amount of drugs in their system? I will probably call the Medical Examiner and ask her the few questions I have.

Danny had survived Stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma ten years ago and I was glad to see he was still in remission.

Surprisingly enough, he was otherwise very healthy which reminded me how fleeting life can be. How sad that a perfectly healthy man can be gone in a minute from a drug that should be much more highly monitored in distribution as it can kill so swiftly. There are still questions that I will never have answers too, I know I am not alone. Many of the parents I speak to seem to have the same questions. A lot of their children were seemingly doing well, then poof, they’re gone forever. The finality is the hardest part to comprehend. Knowing he will be forever 29 as his sisters continue to live on, aging as he would have, myself growing older with a forever 29 son. He will always live on in our family, his niece and future nieces and nephews will know him through our funny stories and beautiful pictures of our beloved Dannyboy.

Happy Birthday Beautiful Dannyboy

In 45 minutes it will be my Dannyboys 30th birthday and his first birthday in Heaven. The picture on the top right and bottom left are of him and his sister and his niece, taken three hours before his death. He had come to Long Island to take me and his grandfather to dinner with his first big check then went to a fair with his sister, niece and brother in law. He had enrolled in college and sent me the picture with his college I.D. he was so proud and had really planned on finishing. There is a picture of the courtyard of his apartment building that I took from the surveillance video from that night. You can see the perfect white heart between the leaves, that light is from his bedroom window. To the left is the shadow of a cross. That shot is from 8:30pm, just minutes before he would get home and die. The last picture is from his new job, he was so proud, he sent that to me two days into his job that he would be at for three weeks before he died. My tattoo is the last text message he sent. It was to a friend of his who he was telling that he hadn’t done drugs for a long time and “he loved himself now and his life”. Yet he used two hours later for the last time ever. I’ll never know why, I gave up wondering. All I know now is that my life will never be the same, my heart is missing a piece forever. His crazy sense of humor, his love for his family, his desire to have a normal life couldn’t save him from Addiction but…I know he suffers no more. I know he is with his grandma, his countless friends who passed before him and all your beautiful Angels here on GRASP. Dannyboy, please try to come to me tonight, I miss you more than ever imaginable. My beautiful baby boy, my love, my life. Forever…❤️🙏❤️

Needles In The Hay

Needles In The Hay


“Needles in the Hay” is a documentary that not only showcases the stories of lives deeply effected by the opioid and heroin epidemic, but more importantly it hopes to explore ways to help the thousands out there still suffering. As this epidemic continues to spread and grow here in America, we want to help fight and resolve this crisis in anyway we can. One life at a time.

We can start trying to save lives right now.  Your support will allow us to expand the films reach and make a much larger impact.


• HELP THOSE STILL STRUGGLING. What is the solution? What can we do to help active users? First step in finding out what someone needs is to ask. In this film active users share their take of this crisis and how its effecting their lives. We want more people struggling out there to be heard. It’s not always easy getting into facilities or rehabs centers. IF YOU HAVE A LOVED ONE OUT THERE STILL ACTIVELY USING AND THEY ARE NOW READY AND WILLING TO GET CLEAN I WILL FLY ANYWHERE IN THE NATION TO CAPTURE THEIR STORY, AND FROM THERE WE WILL OFFER HELP IN THEIR ROAD TO RECOVERY.

BRING AWARENESS. We have lost so many of our loved ones to this epidemic. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimated in 2017 that 91 Americans die from an opioid overdose each day. It is with this urgency that we give those gone a voice through the ones that loved them. You will hear powerful stories from husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, and even children left behind. We will interview many more families and allow many more to tell their stories. Bringing awareness is key to helping stop the spread of this crisis throught our already overwhelmed community/ LETS  BRING A VOICE TO THOSE STILL FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES AND TO THOSE WE HAVE LOST.

This short video has already made a profound impact for some of the  users who were brave enough to be interviewed on camera while in their addiction stage.

Nothing Worth Anything Comes Without A Struggle

Tough love doesn’t have to be cruel. If you start early you won’t even have to do it long, you may never have to use tough love again. The end result is you want is a strong, loving, healthy, happy and confident child. Knowing how to do that is sometimes hard for us. It was for me, when we got divorced my life was turned upside down. Every dream I had for our little family was gone… shattered like the explosion of a florescent bulb. For a long time I was a single parent. Their father wasn’t active in their lives for a good while and half of their aunt’s, uncle’s and cousin’s were gone as well.

How could I not overcompensate for their sake?

I know now why I shouldn’t have. I could have done some things differently. I wish I was tougher. More present emotionally. Stronger. Eventually I did become stronger and tougher and more present, just a bit too late. I taught my children that drugs were bad, that some family members had a history of addiction. But once those drugs entered their young bodies, they were done. They were addicted, for too long and with too many consequences. Yet, this struggle can become a way of life in their recovery, a struggle that reaps great rewards.

What is going into your body?

Grey death: It’s 10,000 times more powerful than morphine

Killed my son. Your son, daughter, sister, brother, friend, lover, mother, father, anyone you loved? Yet, it’s legal. Big Pharma prescribes it when over the counter drugs work without the risk of addiction. Marijuana works as well but you can grow that, robbing greedy Big Pharma from the beloved dollar. Drug cartels can replicate fentanyl and they do. Adding it to shipments coming to America so your dealer, your greedy dealer who doesn’t give two shits about anything but their bling, can add their own cuts to make more $$$ you have a really good chance of dying but…read this before your next fix….Read on

Did you lose your loved one from tainted drugs? I did ❤️😍❤️

R.I.P. Dannyboy ❤️😍❤️

Codependency Can Be Dangerous?!

I’m writing this for a couple of reasons.

This May will be two years since it started. I’ve been the victim of cyberstalking and harassing in the outside world from someone who was in a codependent relationship with my son.

It’s like living a nightmare, a very dark place to be.

My son was in this destructive relationship for years. Since his death last September, the harassing continues. My family gets messages as well. They don’t entertain it. I don’t either but I can’t not feel it. It’s almost like the fear of our loved addicts relapsing. You know that horrible feeling you’ve gotten so many times, after unanswered calls or them being late or for no reason at all. That’s the feeling I get when I ambushed. It’s always been unprovoked so it’s completely surprising. Like a gut punch, your adrenaline kicks in, an uncomfortable anxiety takes you over. Then of course wondering how far she’ll go this time. Posting on my Facebook Page Loving Heroin Addicts about feeling happy that my son is gone, she is free. Codependent people make it all about themselves yet they always have the option to be free, walk away. Simple. Not so simple for the addict.

I hope anyone who thinks they may be Codependent, reads the attached article!

The trick is to recognize Codependency before it has you damaging yourself and others. Any of this sound familiar? ❤️🙏❤️

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