So, this week two friends from this community wrote to tell of their recovery.  They got so many responses of congratulations and prayers.  I’ve found people who love addicts to be so supportive and empathetic, again the same as a lot of our addicts. I love when people share their recovery and recovery stories, it’s a testimonial that PEOPLE do live a full, happy, peaceful life in recovery.

I have a friend who reached out for help a few months ago and was doing great after rehab.  I’ve known this person for a long time and when he relapsed and started making excuses, I had to tell him he is on his own.  I suggested anti-depressants, I’m on them, in fact just got them adjusted due to trying to deal with the grief from my sons death and my daughter being incarcerated.  He went on to say that AA etc., does not want anyone on medication.  I know that is untrue.  I do know some programs do not encourage Methadone, Suboxone, Vivitrol etc but I also know there is not a program in the world that would suggest people stop their anti-depressants or worse yet, never start. Addicts are regular people who are physically and physiologically addicted to their drug of choice.  Yes, using drugs will give you anxiety and depression but if you suffer from this when you are sober or before you started using, then you may need more help than just meetings and therapy.  There is no shame in that.

I truly believe if my son was on the right medication, he’d still be alive and thriving. Who knows? I’m done speculating, it was his time. But for others, please consider non-narcotic anti-depressants.

1996-2013 -In those 20 years, the number of adults with benzodiazepine prescriptions grew by more than two thirds, from 8.1 million to 13.5 million, the researchers found. In 1996, around 4 percent of people surveyed had filled a benzodiazepine prescription, and by 2013, this had risen to 5.6 percent. (

Google states that antidepressant use among Americans is skyrocketing. Adults in the U.S. consumed four times more antidepressants in the late 2000’s than they did in the early 1990s. As the third most frequently taken medication in the U.S., researchers estimate that 8 to 10 percent of the population is taking an antidepressant.

They treat anxiety and depression, basically proving we do not need Xanax, Valium etc. period.  You cannot get high from anti-depressants.  … Antidepressants work by balancing chemicals in your brain called neurotransmitters that affect mood and emotions. These depression medicines can help improve your mood, help you sleep better, and increase your appetite and concentration. (Google)  🙂 Yes, they take a few weeks to work which is why a lot of addicts will not try them and probably why a lot of people take the benzo/opioid route but think about it, in the long run, what do you think is the best choice?

I’ve attached this paper, although 49 pages long, some extremely important information can be found in the first few pages. Prepared by the Vice Chairman’s Staff of the Joint Economic Committee at the request of Senator Mike Lee .November 2017                                the-numbers-behind-the-opioid-crisis-final pdf

Praying for everyone ❤️🙏❤️

No oath?

This article says it all! He took an oath to heal and ended up a dealer and murderer! Greed! God bless those who died at your hands❤️🙏❤️

Keep Coming Back

Mother’s Day was last week. Again, another holiday with the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I spoke to my daughter in jail and spent the day with my youngest daughter and her fiancee, my granddaughter, my Dad and my sister with her family. My youngest daughter is pregnant with my second granddaughter. What could be better than that? What could be better is having my son come in for the day as he did every holiday. Grieving is definitely a roller coaster. There are days when I am fine, I have hope for the future and then there are days when I feel like I am the walking dead.

But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.

I am going to write this with the knowledge that I will receive some evil messages from my stalker/harasser. I use this page to help myself and others but it is hard to put down my honest feelings knowing she is out there just waiting to pounce on me. It’s been over two years now, the harassing and stalking. What I’ve gone through and my extended family is nothing compared to what my son suffered for years at the hands of this person. Still, although she does not turn up on my property or have people follow and photograph me like my son dealt with, she is still a black hole in my life. But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.
With that being said, I will continue my journey. This week I received two private messages from friends on this page. One is in a relationship with an addict and just needed to vent. The other person had witnessed a friends death by overdose and just can’t get that picture out of her mind. These are both scenarios that are constant in the lives of addicts and those who love them. Being in a relationship with an addict, as I’ve said before, is one of the hardest relationships you will ever have. As hard as it is, separating yourself from the relationship is your only survival. It sounds horrible but I don’t mean just walking away. I mean, separating yourself from the constant craziness that comes with the addiction. We only allow what WE allow in our lives. You have NO CONTROL over your addict. I cannot stress this enough!!! They are not using to GET BACK AT YOU or hurt YOU! In fact, if you are not enabling and handing them the money for drugs, then you are not culpable for their actions. Look hard at your relationship. Are you answering the phone every time they call? Are you running to help them out of situations they have no business being in? Are you listening to their excuses to NOT get help? Are you expecting them to perform like someone who is sober? Looking for them, waiting for them, worrying about them and everything in your house? I remember this life and looking back, I don’t know if I could live through it again. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and even more about the dynamics of addicts and those who love them. The people that are brought into your life because of them, the codependent relationships with people who are beyond talking to, this does not have to be a part of your life. Take back your life. Life is not always fair and sometimes even taking yourself out of the codependency equation, may not always be the immediate relief you need but it is a start.

If you don’t step back and take your life back, you will wither.

Go to support groups, get a book about codependent relationships and high light what stands out to you and remind yourself every day that no matter what you do, YOU come first and YOU have NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ADDICT.
I’m talking to myself when I say I need to find outlets. Something other than death and addiction. When I find that I don’t even want to be around people because I have nothing other than sadness to share, that’s when I realized I need help. I isolate when I am sad, maybe you do something else. Learn to recognize those episodes and push yourself to enhance YOUR life. It’s a constant struggle for me especially because it’s only 8 months since I lost my baby but I will not give up on myself and this struggle. You shouldn’t either, you don’t have to be where you are. You are the choreographer of this life dance. Make it a happy dance!

Praying for you

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change. Hanna Moncotti

Injection Sites in NY

Think about this before forming your opinions. I had minor hand surgery today so I need to research before having any thoughts to share. I’ll give mine tomorrow but could you share your thoughts today.

We need more Treatment centers!!!! Just give free needles, that will help but WE NEED SO MANY MORE EASILY AVAILABLE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT TREATMENT TREATMENT CENTERS before we spend millions on this project… Just sayin’

Luna Nomad

Two years ago, on a whim, my daughters and I took a ride out to Montauk to buy a Vintage Travel Trailer.  I always wanted a tiny house on wheels but for the price, the trailer was the way to go for now.  Basically, it’s like a tiny house, wood painted cabinets, a real bathroom, kitchen and sleeps six.  I had a car at the time, so I traded it in and got a truck and brought the trailer home three days after it went from a thought to reality.  I have never regretted it.  I made some modifications, decorated it and am getting started with making it totally off the grid.  It’s my getaway, my private space which will eventually go to my daughter and her family.

My son used to love to hang out in there with me, and watch movies.  He put in an air conditioner for me and worked on my plumbing and electric.  We had sleepovers.  It was great.  It took me 6 months to go back into the trailer after his death but now I picture the great times we had.   I named the trailer after my granddaughter, my youngest daughters baby. I am so proud of my daughter, in recovery almost two years now. I still feel she never would’ve done drugs had she not seen her siblings use. When she was fifteen she went to her first rehab. I truly think she would’ve died had she not, so I sent her from there straight to Outreach House, a residential rehab for fourteen months. It was the hardest decision I ever made but I had just found out her she and her brother were using heroin.

Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person.

How could she come home to this chaos? How would she be able to stay away from everyone in the neighborhood when it seemed they were all using drugs? Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person. The program was strict, so strict that a few years later it was written up and modified. She came out into the same chaotic house, town, and friends. By now, they were all three using heroin and pills. She tried recovery a few times even suffered a permanent brain injury from an overdose. With therapy, she regained her speech and cognitive functions and now mainly has short-term memory loss which she has learned to compensate for. It was a long road, she relapsed after her injury but she made the decision on her own to begin a life of recovery. She goes to meetings, hangs out with sober people, isn’t depressed or anxious anymore. She used to be my drama-queen, she couldn’t be further from that now unless there is a spider involved! She is a beautiful young woman with many options in life now and a blessed family. She’s been through so much, losing her brother and basically her sister for the past 8 years as she has been incarcerated 95% of that time. My older daughter and I have patched up our relationship and she is reaching out to her sister to mend their relationship. I hope they do mend their relationship as I am going to be a Nonna once again!!!