Lost shock pain ache heartbreaking head hurts can’t think broken paralyzed suffocating tired weak

This is what it feels like to lose my two children in a year. Mostly because I don’t understand why they had to suffer so horribly for almost half their lives, just to die from addiction after all. They are happy now, at peace with no form of evil in their presence. For that I’m happy but when you lose a child you realize that they are on your mind virtually always when they’re here. You may not think so but the emptiness and sadness your being becomes, can only be from a hole so big you realize it’s literally a part of you that’s gone