No oath?

This article says it all! He took an oath to heal and ended up a dealer and murderer! Greed! God bless those who died at your hands❤️🙏❤️

Keep Coming Back

Mother’s Day was last week. Again, another holiday with the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I spoke to my daughter in jail and spent the day with my youngest daughter and her fiancee, my granddaughter, my Dad and my sister with her family. My youngest daughter is pregnant with my second granddaughter. What could be better than that? What could be better is having my son come in for the day as he did every holiday. Grieving is definitely a roller coaster. There are days when I am fine, I have hope for the future and then there are days when I feel like I am the walking dead.

But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.

I am going to write this with the knowledge that I will receive some evil messages from my stalker/harasser. I use this page to help myself and others but it is hard to put down my honest feelings knowing she is out there just waiting to pounce on me. It’s been over two years now, the harassing and stalking. What I’ve gone through and my extended family is nothing compared to what my son suffered for years at the hands of this person. Still, although she does not turn up on my property or have people follow and photograph me like my son dealt with, she is still a black hole in my life. But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.
With that being said, I will continue my journey. This week I received two private messages from friends on this page. One is in a relationship with an addict and just needed to vent. The other person had witnessed a friends death by overdose and just can’t get that picture out of her mind. These are both scenarios that are constant in the lives of addicts and those who love them. Being in a relationship with an addict, as I’ve said before, is one of the hardest relationships you will ever have. As hard as it is, separating yourself from the relationship is your only survival. It sounds horrible but I don’t mean just walking away. I mean, separating yourself from the constant craziness that comes with the addiction. We only allow what WE allow in our lives. You have NO CONTROL over your addict. I cannot stress this enough!!! They are not using to GET BACK AT YOU or hurt YOU! In fact, if you are not enabling and handing them the money for drugs, then you are not culpable for their actions. Look hard at your relationship. Are you answering the phone every time they call? Are you running to help them out of situations they have no business being in? Are you listening to their excuses to NOT get help? Are you expecting them to perform like someone who is sober? Looking for them, waiting for them, worrying about them and everything in your house? I remember this life and looking back, I don’t know if I could live through it again. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and even more about the dynamics of addicts and those who love them. The people that are brought into your life because of them, the codependent relationships with people who are beyond talking to, this does not have to be a part of your life. Take back your life. Life is not always fair and sometimes even taking yourself out of the codependency equation, may not always be the immediate relief you need but it is a start.

If you don’t step back and take your life back, you will wither.

Go to support groups, get a book about codependent relationships and high light what stands out to you and remind yourself every day that no matter what you do, YOU come first and YOU have NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ADDICT.
I’m talking to myself when I say I need to find outlets. Something other than death and addiction. When I find that I don’t even want to be around people because I have nothing other than sadness to share, that’s when I realized I need help. I isolate when I am sad, maybe you do something else. Learn to recognize those episodes and push yourself to enhance YOUR life. It’s a constant struggle for me especially because it’s only 8 months since I lost my baby but I will not give up on myself and this struggle. You shouldn’t either, you don’t have to be where you are. You are the choreographer of this life dance. Make it a happy dance!

Praying for you

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change. Hanna Moncotti

Injection Sites in NY

Think about this before forming your opinions. I had minor hand surgery today so I need to research before having any thoughts to share. I’ll give mine tomorrow but could you share your thoughts today.

http://nypost.com/2018/05/03/de-blasio-commits-to-opening-four-supervised-injection-sites/

We need more Treatment centers!!!! Just give free needles, that will help but WE NEED SO MANY MORE EASILY AVAILABLE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT TREATMENT TREATMENT CENTERS before we spend millions on this project… Just sayin’

Luna Nomad

Two years ago, on a whim, my daughters and I took a ride out to Montauk to buy a Vintage Travel Trailer.  I always wanted a tiny house on wheels but for the price, the trailer was the way to go for now.  Basically, it’s like a tiny house, wood painted cabinets, a real bathroom, kitchen and sleeps six.  I had a car at the time, so I traded it in and got a truck and brought the trailer home three days after it went from a thought to reality.  I have never regretted it.  I made some modifications, decorated it and am getting started with making it totally off the grid.  It’s my getaway, my private space which will eventually go to my daughter and her family.

My son used to love to hang out in there with me, and watch movies.  He put in an air conditioner for me and worked on my plumbing and electric.  We had sleepovers.  It was great.  It took me 6 months to go back into the trailer after his death but now I picture the great times we had.   I named the trailer after my granddaughter, my youngest daughters baby. I am so proud of my daughter, in recovery almost two years now. I still feel she never would’ve done drugs had she not seen her siblings use. When she was fifteen she went to her first rehab. I truly think she would’ve died had she not, so I sent her from there straight to Outreach House, a residential rehab for fourteen months. It was the hardest decision I ever made but I had just found out her she and her brother were using heroin.

Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person.

How could she come home to this chaos? How would she be able to stay away from everyone in the neighborhood when it seemed they were all using drugs? Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person. The program was strict, so strict that a few years later it was written up and modified. She came out into the same chaotic house, town, and friends. By now, they were all three using heroin and pills. She tried recovery a few times even suffered a permanent brain injury from an overdose. With therapy, she regained her speech and cognitive functions and now mainly has short-term memory loss which she has learned to compensate for. It was a long road, she relapsed after her injury but she made the decision on her own to begin a life of recovery. She goes to meetings, hangs out with sober people, isn’t depressed or anxious anymore. She used to be my drama-queen, she couldn’t be further from that now unless there is a spider involved! She is a beautiful young woman with many options in life now and a blessed family. She’s been through so much, losing her brother and basically her sister for the past 8 years as she has been incarcerated 95% of that time. My older daughter and I have patched up our relationship and she is reaching out to her sister to mend their relationship. I hope they do mend their relationship as I am going to be a Nonna once again!!!

Inspiration for Addicts and Those Who Love Them

Anxiety=Anticipatory Grief

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

It is physically painful, intense, overwhelming, confusing, and even frightening-frightening because it’s so dark, so unknown, and so powerful a force

I’m reading a book that I borrowed from a book share at my support group. The group is for parents who lost children to addiction. It’s called ”When the Bough Breaks” by Judith R Bernstein Ph.D. She’s describing anticipatory grief, which she describes as ”what happens when we’re hit with the possibility of losing someone we love.”

This is the description of the feelings of everyone loving an addict who is actively using or not living a true life of recovery. And it’s daily, this overwhelming fear. We live in a life filled with anticipating the worst.

Wikipedia

Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints, and rumination.[1] It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events, such as the feeling of imminent death.[2] Anxiety is not the same as fear, which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat,[3] whereas anxiety is the expectation of future threat.[3] Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.[4] It is often accompanied by muscular tension,[3] restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.[

Sound familiar? These feelings?

Addiction is never safe, be it substance, gambling, sex etc. There is always danger lurking in the back of our minds. It changes us which is why most of us can’t shut up when we’re talking to someone living the same life. We can talk to a hundred people who also love an addict and at the end of the conversation we basically have the exact stories with differences in names, locations and other specifics, but the feelings, they are all the same. Anxiety- fear of the unknown. It can paralyze us, socially, emotionally, physically unless we realize that we are powerless over anyone. Giving up that innate desire to save our loved one is probably the most difficult emotion for us to take action on but it also the most important to our self-preservation.

I was talking with some people today about addiction. A mutual friend was hospitalized after relapsing, in ICU still five days later. Nowadays, especially, using heroin is literally like playing Russian Roulette. Who in their right mind would put a gun to their head knowing there’s a chance it’s loaded? No one would, in their right mind. That’s why addiction is a brain disease. Physiologically, mentally, and physically it’s a need so strong that people will literally do it knowing they could die immediately. This person didn’t agree, he was saying he would never want to hurt his mother and risk every thing. ADDICTS do not want to hurt anyone. Not themselves, their enablers, friends and partners. You can’t take your addicts behavior personally. It’s not personal. Addicts are so self absorbed with their desperate need, we may be a fleeting thought but their desire clouds their thinking. All they want is the drug. How desperate must a person be to risk every thing, especially their life, without the control to stop themselves? What are your feelings on addiction? Do you believe it’s a choice?

Autopsy Report

I want to thank everyone for all your support during this most difficult time. I didn’t realize how hard Danny’s birthday would be but it was extremely difficult. I guess the fact that I received the autopsy report the same day exasperated all my emotions. I had requested it after reading that a lot of parents had also and it helped some. It was really difficult to read because they literally weigh organs and you get the full description of your loved one’s body upon death. The report raised more questions actually as his numbers weren’t high enough for an overdose, he had no visible track marks and no pills or alcohol in his body. I’m asking anyone out there if they had an autopsy done on someone who overdosed but the autopsy wasn’t done for three days after death? Does the time after death affect the amount of drugs in their system? I will probably call the Medical Examiner and ask her the few questions I have.

Danny had survived Stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma ten years ago and I was glad to see he was still in remission.

Surprisingly enough, he was otherwise very healthy which reminded me how fleeting life can be. How sad that a perfectly healthy man can be gone in a minute from a drug that should be much more highly monitored in distribution as it can kill so swiftly. There are still questions that I will never have answers too, I know I am not alone. Many of the parents I speak to seem to have the same questions. A lot of their children were seemingly doing well, then poof, they’re gone forever. The finality is the hardest part to comprehend. Knowing he will be forever 29 as his sisters continue to live on, aging as he would have, myself growing older with a forever 29 son. He will always live on in our family, his niece and future nieces and nephews will know him through our funny stories and beautiful pictures of our beloved Dannyboy.

Happy Birthday Beautiful Dannyboy

In 45 minutes it will be my Dannyboys 30th birthday and his first birthday in Heaven. The picture on the top right and bottom left are of him and his sister and his niece, taken three hours before his death. He had come to Long Island to take me and his grandfather to dinner with his first big check then went to a fair with his sister, niece and brother in law. He had enrolled in college and sent me the picture with his college I.D. he was so proud and had really planned on finishing. There is a picture of the courtyard of his apartment building that I took from the surveillance video from that night. You can see the perfect white heart between the leaves, that light is from his bedroom window. To the left is the shadow of a cross. That shot is from 8:30pm, just minutes before he would get home and die. The last picture is from his new job, he was so proud, he sent that to me two days into his job that he would be at for three weeks before he died. My tattoo is the last text message he sent. It was to a friend of his who he was telling that he hadn’t done drugs for a long time and “he loved himself now and his life”. Yet he used two hours later for the last time ever. I’ll never know why, I gave up wondering. All I know now is that my life will never be the same, my heart is missing a piece forever. His crazy sense of humor, his love for his family, his desire to have a normal life couldn’t save him from Addiction but…I know he suffers no more. I know he is with his grandma, his countless friends who passed before him and all your beautiful Angels here on GRASP. Dannyboy, please try to come to me tonight, I miss you more than ever imaginable. My beautiful baby boy, my love, my life. Forever…❤️🙏❤️