Lost shock pain ache heartbreaking head hurts can’t think broken paralyzed suffocating tired weak

This is what it feels like to lose my two children in a year. Mostly because I don’t understand why they had to suffer so horribly for almost half their lives, just to die from addiction after all. They are happy now, at peace with no form of evil in their presence. For that I’m happy but when you lose a child you realize that they are on your mind virtually always when they’re here. You may not think so but the emptiness and sadness your being becomes, can only be from a hole so big you realize it’s literally a part of you that’s gone

Cooks County

Thank you Joseph Ryan for sharing this soul bearing interview. ❤️🙏🏻❤️

This man nearly died in a courthouse bathroom — his 14th overdose.

Why is this addiction so powerful? What can loved ones do to help?

This man gives some answers in this Public Awareness podcast from the Cook County Sheriff’s Office. Share this post to help spread understanding of a crisis that is killing tens of thousands every year.

For more information on the crisis and how to seek help visit http://www.cookcountysheriff.org/the-opioid-crisis/

#recoveryispossible #sobriety #opioidcrisis #addiction #heroininterview

On Point!😢❤️🙏❤️

Kristan posted this on Loving Heroin Addicts Page but I wanted to share it to as many people as possible. Thank you Kristen Langshaw for articulating the life you speak of so truthfully. The life we all know. Always praying ❤️🙏❤️

sometimes being the parent of a child struggling with addiction is like mourning the loss of a child who is still alive but there is no closure. it’s like being helpless… its feeling your heart drop every time your phone rings after 10pm…. it’s sleepless nights laying wondering what you did or didn’t do to cause your child to become an addict… it’s nights of questioning your faith and asking why God would allow this to happen to YOUR child.. it’s feeling angry and defensive when you hear or read comments that you know are about your child… its being a punching bag at times when your child needs to redirect their anger and blame someone… its memories of your child being born and you holding them in your arms for the first time and thinking of the great potential they posses and thinking of all the possibilities of what they will become and praying they will overcome their struggle and get there…. it’s missing when they were little and would come to you for comfort when they were hurt or sad… it’s missing their giggles and cuddles and innocence….its the fear of not knowing what tomorrow will bring…. its holidays that arent as happy…it’s the sadness of knowing that some people will never get to see who your child really was and is… it’s the guilt you feel when someone overdoses and your first thought is thank God it wasn’t my child and the reality of knowing it could of been… it’s being robbed of memories you never got the chance to make… it’s ultimately the fear that they could leave this world and you know that nothing will EVER be the same again and the world would never be as shiny as it once was without your child in it… its begging pleading and bartering with God to please make them better….. its longing to just hold them in your arms and tell them how much you love them and miss them… Most of all its seeing what will eventually happen and not being able to stop it… I’m mourning my child who is alive every single day……

Don’t Try Drugs

My son told me the first time he tried Heroin, he knew he was addicted!!!

It’s a lifetime decision… remember that

The Sky

I was looking at the sky tonight.  It was just beautiful, dark blue filled with bright white stars.  It was truly magnificent.  I think of Danny when I look at the sky, I see him with my Mother, his beloved Grandma, both exempt of disease, pain, sadness, confusion and desperation.  I see them so very happy and in the clouds of Heaven.  Then when I really looked to the sky and noticed the clouds, I realized they weren’t white and fluffy, they were night-time clouds, thin and horizontal, not like I picture the clouds in heaven. The clouds looked close, not far enough to be Heaven.  And I saw the enormity of the Universe, it’s never-ending.  How could Heaven be in the middle of the Universe, it would be too busy, what with asteroids and all, right? Heaven should be isolated and surrounded by beautiful blue skies, the color I painted my sons room when he was a child, and sunlight and those fluffy clouds I wrote of earlier.

Heaven should be isolated and surrounded by beautiful blue skies

Now I realized, that Heaven couldn’t be as I’d imagined all these years.  I have to think about this.  Is the after-life just our souls which I always imagined were visible to other souls, or  are we just feelings of peace, love and happiness shared by others for our eternity.  I always pictured the after-life as I had seen in Italy with the beautiful fresco paintings and Sistine Chapel with everyone floating in soft, white cotton frocks and translucent angel wings.  That looks like a nice place to be but I don’t imagine it’s at all like that.  Do we see each other when we are gone?  Or are we energy and familiarity?  Is anything tangible?

I started writing tonight because I don’t speak out loud to Danny now.  I can’t, it would make it real.  But under this dark blue sky brightened by millions of white stars, I tried.  I don’t even remember what I started with but I remember telling him I knew he was with Grandma so I knew he was happy and I asked him to stay with her.  Then I told my Mom that I know it was meant to be that she and Danny needed to be together, that they were both free (from Alzheimer’s and Addiction) and happy again.  By then I was losing it so I took some deep breaths and put it all out of my head until I composed myself and came back inside.  It was then that I decided I wanted to hear how other people think life after death is or if they even believe there is life after death?

…..for my Mom (my confidant, the wind beneath my wings) and my boy, Dannyboy (my son, my friend, my heart)

Keep Coming Back

Mother’s Day was last week. Again, another holiday with the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I spoke to my daughter in jail and spent the day with my youngest daughter and her fiancee, my granddaughter, my Dad and my sister with her family. My youngest daughter is pregnant with my second granddaughter. What could be better than that? What could be better is having my son come in for the day as he did every holiday. Grieving is definitely a roller coaster. There are days when I am fine, I have hope for the future and then there are days when I feel like I am the walking dead.

But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.

I am going to write this with the knowledge that I will receive some evil messages from my stalker/harasser. I use this page to help myself and others but it is hard to put down my honest feelings knowing she is out there just waiting to pounce on me. It’s been over two years now, the harassing and stalking. What I’ve gone through and my extended family is nothing compared to what my son suffered for years at the hands of this person. Still, although she does not turn up on my property or have people follow and photograph me like my son dealt with, she is still a black hole in my life. But, fuck it, no one is holding me back from helping myself and others.
With that being said, I will continue my journey. This week I received two private messages from friends on this page. One is in a relationship with an addict and just needed to vent. The other person had witnessed a friends death by overdose and just can’t get that picture out of her mind. These are both scenarios that are constant in the lives of addicts and those who love them. Being in a relationship with an addict, as I’ve said before, is one of the hardest relationships you will ever have. As hard as it is, separating yourself from the relationship is your only survival. It sounds horrible but I don’t mean just walking away. I mean, separating yourself from the constant craziness that comes with the addiction. We only allow what WE allow in our lives. You have NO CONTROL over your addict. I cannot stress this enough!!! They are not using to GET BACK AT YOU or hurt YOU! In fact, if you are not enabling and handing them the money for drugs, then you are not culpable for their actions. Look hard at your relationship. Are you answering the phone every time they call? Are you running to help them out of situations they have no business being in? Are you listening to their excuses to NOT get help? Are you expecting them to perform like someone who is sober? Looking for them, waiting for them, worrying about them and everything in your house? I remember this life and looking back, I don’t know if I could live through it again. I’ve learned a lot about addiction and even more about the dynamics of addicts and those who love them. The people that are brought into your life because of them, the codependent relationships with people who are beyond talking to, this does not have to be a part of your life. Take back your life. Life is not always fair and sometimes even taking yourself out of the codependency equation, may not always be the immediate relief you need but it is a start.

If you don’t step back and take your life back, you will wither.

Go to support groups, get a book about codependent relationships and high light what stands out to you and remind yourself every day that no matter what you do, YOU come first and YOU have NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ADDICT.
I’m talking to myself when I say I need to find outlets. Something other than death and addiction. When I find that I don’t even want to be around people because I have nothing other than sadness to share, that’s when I realized I need help. I isolate when I am sad, maybe you do something else. Learn to recognize those episodes and push yourself to enhance YOUR life. It’s a constant struggle for me especially because it’s only 8 months since I lost my baby but I will not give up on myself and this struggle. You shouldn’t either, you don’t have to be where you are. You are the choreographer of this life dance. Make it a happy dance!

Praying for you

Surrender is the intersection between acceptance and change. Hanna Moncotti

Injection Sites in NY

Think about this before forming your opinions. I had minor hand surgery today so I need to research before having any thoughts to share. I’ll give mine tomorrow but could you share your thoughts today.

http://nypost.com/2018/05/03/de-blasio-commits-to-opening-four-supervised-injection-sites/

We need more Treatment centers!!!! Just give free needles, that will help but WE NEED SO MANY MORE EASILY AVAILABLE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT TREATMENT TREATMENT CENTERS before we spend millions on this project… Just sayin’

Luna Nomad

Two years ago, on a whim, my daughters and I took a ride out to Montauk to buy a Vintage Travel Trailer.  I always wanted a tiny house on wheels but for the price, the trailer was the way to go for now.  Basically, it’s like a tiny house, wood painted cabinets, a real bathroom, kitchen and sleeps six.  I had a car at the time, so I traded it in and got a truck and brought the trailer home three days after it went from a thought to reality.  I have never regretted it.  I made some modifications, decorated it and am getting started with making it totally off the grid.  It’s my getaway, my private space which will eventually go to my daughter and her family.

My son used to love to hang out in there with me, and watch movies.  He put in an air conditioner for me and worked on my plumbing and electric.  We had sleepovers.  It was great.  It took me 6 months to go back into the trailer after his death but now I picture the great times we had.   I named the trailer after my granddaughter, my youngest daughters baby. I am so proud of my daughter, in recovery almost two years now. I still feel she never would’ve done drugs had she not seen her siblings use. When she was fifteen she went to her first rehab. I truly think she would’ve died had she not, so I sent her from there straight to Outreach House, a residential rehab for fourteen months. It was the hardest decision I ever made but I had just found out her she and her brother were using heroin.

Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person.

How could she come home to this chaos? How would she be able to stay away from everyone in the neighborhood when it seemed they were all using drugs? Obviously, it didn’t deter her from using when she graduated Outreach but I think it made her a stronger and more independent person. The program was strict, so strict that a few years later it was written up and modified. She came out into the same chaotic house, town, and friends. By now, they were all three using heroin and pills. She tried recovery a few times even suffered a permanent brain injury from an overdose. With therapy, she regained her speech and cognitive functions and now mainly has short-term memory loss which she has learned to compensate for. It was a long road, she relapsed after her injury but she made the decision on her own to begin a life of recovery. She goes to meetings, hangs out with sober people, isn’t depressed or anxious anymore. She used to be my drama-queen, she couldn’t be further from that now unless there is a spider involved! She is a beautiful young woman with many options in life now and a blessed family. She’s been through so much, losing her brother and basically her sister for the past 8 years as she has been incarcerated 95% of that time. My older daughter and I have patched up our relationship and she is reaching out to her sister to mend their relationship. I hope they do mend their relationship as I am going to be a Nonna once again!!!

Anxiety=Anticipatory Grief

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

It is physically painful, intense, overwhelming, confusing, and even frightening-frightening because it’s so dark, so unknown, and so powerful a force

I’m reading a book that I borrowed from a book share at my support group. The group is for parents who lost children to addiction. It’s called ”When the Bough Breaks” by Judith R Bernstein Ph.D. She’s describing anticipatory grief, which she describes as ”what happens when we’re hit with the possibility of losing someone we love.”

This is the description of the feelings of everyone loving an addict who is actively using or not living a true life of recovery. And it’s daily, this overwhelming fear. We live in a life filled with anticipating the worst.

Wikipedia

Anxiety is an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior, such as pacing back and forth, somatic complaints, and rumination.[1] It is the subjectively unpleasant feelings of dread over anticipated events, such as the feeling of imminent death.[2] Anxiety is not the same as fear, which is a response to a real or perceived immediate threat,[3] whereas anxiety is the expectation of future threat.[3] Anxiety is a feeling of uneasiness and worry, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing.[4] It is often accompanied by muscular tension,[3] restlessness, fatigue and problems in concentration. Anxiety can be appropriate, but when experienced regularly the individual may suffer from an anxiety disorder.[

Sound familiar? These feelings?

Addiction is never safe, be it substance, gambling, sex etc. There is always danger lurking in the back of our minds. It changes us which is why most of us can’t shut up when we’re talking to someone living the same life. We can talk to a hundred people who also love an addict and at the end of the conversation we basically have the exact stories with differences in names, locations and other specifics, but the feelings, they are all the same. Anxiety- fear of the unknown. It can paralyze us, socially, emotionally, physically unless we realize that we are powerless over anyone. Giving up that innate desire to save our loved one is probably the most difficult emotion for us to take action on but it also the most important to our self-preservation.

I was talking with some people today about addiction. A mutual friend was hospitalized after relapsing, in ICU still five days later. Nowadays, especially, using heroin is literally like playing Russian Roulette. Who in their right mind would put a gun to their head knowing there’s a chance it’s loaded? No one would, in their right mind. That’s why addiction is a brain disease. Physiologically, mentally, and physically it’s a need so strong that people will literally do it knowing they could die immediately. This person didn’t agree, he was saying he would never want to hurt his mother and risk every thing. ADDICTS do not want to hurt anyone. Not themselves, their enablers, friends and partners. You can’t take your addicts behavior personally. It’s not personal. Addicts are so self absorbed with their desperate need, we may be a fleeting thought but their desire clouds their thinking. All they want is the drug. How desperate must a person be to risk every thing, especially their life, without the control to stop themselves? What are your feelings on addiction? Do you believe it’s a choice?